Moving Forward

One year ago on December 19th, my husband of almost two decades took his last breath within our home in Illinois. Life, itself has a way to push us to continue on…

The kids and I had gone on our first vacation without him this summer.

The kids and I had adopted a new puppy without him last winter.

The kids and I have blown out birthday candles on our own birthday cakes without him.

I watched our son graduate without him.

I have gone fishing without him this summer.

I have attended a concert without him this fall.

I filed taxes without him.

I took a college tour with our son without him during the summer.

I attended the girls’ softball games without him during the spring.

I bought a new car without him.

We have cried without him. We have laughed without him. And we are learning to move forward without him.

Grief is very personalized

As we are rounding the final corner of our year of firsts.  I’ve learned that grief, is very personalized and everyone goes through it differently. My grief had overtaken my whole body, mind, and emotions. I was unable to have control, no matter how hard I tried. I needed to take care of myself, for I was a better place to help my children. Once I truly embraced these feelings of relief, guilt, loneliness, depression and other emotions that seem to arrive out of nowhere, I was in a better place. It took time but my mind had learned to work correctly once again.

No shame in asking for help

I’ve learned that I can’t do it all and need to learn to ask for help. This was hard for me because I am the type that will say ‘I can handle this on my own’. Take meals. Allow visitors. A listening ear. Have someone take the kids out. The yard work. The errands. Or anything else that comes up. My family, friends and even strangers of my community had gathered around me and lifted me up. They had fed me, they had supported me, and they had given me so much (spiritually, emotionally, physically) that I was left speechless.

Learn to Love again, starting with me

I’ve learned to love myself again. I pampered myself. Got my hair done. Got my nails done. I began to work out and started working towards a healthier verse of me,  physically.  I began to do things that I enjoyed doing before becoming a wife and mother. Started writing again. Began teaching myself piano. I have made new friends and reunited with old friends. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to move forward.